Resolutioning

I try not to make a really big deal about New Year's, since in my general experience it ends up letting you down. And this year I feel kind of let down already, so at least I got that out of the way. What I mean is, I had it in my head that by coming back to NYC right after Christmas instead of lingering at my parents' house, I'd tap into this reserve of motivation that had been hiding during all my exam stress. I'd finally have the time and the energy to be soooo productive. Anyone who's ever had that feeling knows where it leads - I got back here and have barely been motivated to change out of pajamas every day. I'm PMSy, I haven't cleaned my apartment, I'm behind on all the work I theoretically came here to do. Ugh.

So things aren't going exactly to plan, but for the record I just got here less than 3 days ago. I think it is still really good that I came back here quickly after Christmas because those couple of non-productive days were going to happen whether it was now or next week, and since I have a bunch of deadlines in the next 2 weeks, the sooner I get my ass in gear the better.

While I was home, I slacked off on the running. To be precise, I didn't run at all, mainly because of my lack of gym membership and the 3 feet of snow on the ground. And I ate, and ate and ate. So that happened - I feel okay about it because trying to change my behavior around the holidays is tough, especially on the heels of an unhealthy finals period. But then there was my sister. She works out probably 2 hours a day most days, and she's gone from being a bit overweight to totally jacked - thin and really muscular. And I have to admit, I was jealous. There's a whole other sea of emotions between us these days, but I definitely detected a hint of jealousy as I struggled to fit in my pants and felt like a lump of lard. I think that admitting to it, feeling it and trying to let it go, is the best way to deal with that. I don't begrudge her the fruits of her labor. I know she has worked really hard, and continues to work really hard, to get there and stay there. But I was still jealous, because I haven't managed to do it.

That contributed to my feeling that once I got back everything would change. And truly, I think it will. I am setting up a much easier school schedule for myself this semester, and I went out and bought all the groceries for my super-healthy menu this week. I went for my long run yesterday - 5 miles, almost all the way around Central Park. My legs are sore today but I feel successful. I am going to get better at running when I lose some weight. I'm easing into it over the next few days, but Jan 2 I'm in it, full throttle. That's when the gym reopens, and my New Years guests will have left, and it'll be just me, my running schedule, the gym, my healthy menus, and a date with the library to get my school stuff done. I think it doesn't work if you don't do it all to the max at the same time. Can't slack off on one thing because it all catches up with you.

So, my resolutions are pretty much the same as always: take better care of myself, nourish my mind and soul by learning and traveling and meeting new people, be good to the people in my life, and keep on challenging myself to do better.

Erggg

So, finals are so close to the end. In fact, exams are done, but I have this pesky (15-20 pg) paper due tomorrow that I haven't technically started. I have an outline, which I used for my presentation on the topic 3 weeks ago, but oy. It is a long road from here, in the next 30 hours or so, and I have little fuel left in my brain tank.

As for working out, I am psyching myself up for a 4-mile treadmill run, which I'm not looking forward to but it's going to have to happen. I don't think I'm ready to push myself that far out in the cold without a cheering section to help me along, and I'm not letting myself slack off in the very first week of training. It's going to be a struggle though - 3 miles was like pulling teeth the other day.

It's kind of amazing how much I think about and talk about running now that I've committed myself to doing it every other day. It requires a lot of planning and forethought at this point - I have to make it a really top priority or it's not getting done. My throat still hurts and my lips have been all chapped and uncomfortable. It's winter and finals and I'm whiny and I want nothing more than to lay around the apartment and not do anything. I don't want to run, but I do want that feeling of accomplishment when it's done. Monday night when I was doing the my 3-miler, I did a little fist pump when I hit the 1.5 mile mark and then every half-mile from there on. I had the treadmill set on 0% incline and 10:42 miles. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that hard physically. Just psychologically, staying on there for over a half hour, oy.

So, soon the lunch rush at the gym will die down I think, and hopefully with people starting to leave for break it won't be hard for me to hang onto a machine for the 45-50 mins (30 mins is the limit if there are a lot of people, which most of the time there are). And then, paper writing all night long, woooo.

All of the cauliflower in the world

That is what I had for dinner tonight at 11 pm, along with a bit of grilled tempeh, a slice of sprouted flax bread and a big cup of coffee. Ah, finals, the best excuse to eat weird crap at even weirder times of day. The final final is tomorrow, followed by a 20 page paper to write on Wed and Thur, and then I can bust out of this place, head to my parents' for a week of Christmas and laziness.

I decided to dust off the old blog and see if I can transform it to suit my new plans and goals, although I haven't ruled out a new BFL challenge starting around the beginning of the new year. But goal numero uno for the moment (aside from surviving the last 3 days of finals) is the Reykjavik Marathon 08! Running a marathon (and a half-marathon for that matter) is a major item on my life list, and evidently it is also on my roommate's girlfriend's life list as when I announced to her that I was running the marathon in Iceland, I found out that she is also running the very same one, in celebration of her 30th birthday. So, now I really have to do it, unlike all those other times I said I was going to run a marathon.

I kicked off my training with a 4-mile road race (my first race ever!) in 25 degree weather with a chest cold. All of these factors, along with the fact that I hadn't run more than a mile at a time since August (and then it was in 70-degree comfort), make it impressive that I finished at all. According to the official chip time, I made it in 45:24, which averages to an 11:21 mile. Not too shabby considering, although for my age group apparently that puts me in 858th place. Anyway, I am definitely looking forward to beating that time at the next Roadrunners 4-mile race, in February. By then, if I stick to my training, 4 miles will feel like nothing.

Tonight was training run number 2, a 3-miler on the treadmill. God I hate the treadmill. I think I am going to have to get friendly with the indoor track, which isn't much better but I can't imagine it is worse. If it's at least maybe 30 degrees outside, sunny and not raining or snowing, I can do my training outside, which is preferable, but of course that's not going to be the case every time if I'm running 4-5 days a week all thru the winter.

So, that's the plan, stick to the running and make it to the marathon in Iceland next August. In the meantime, I'm also going to (a) get my diet cleaned up again - have started eating like crap and gained back the 8 lb I lost in the first half of the semester; (b) get back with the weight lifting; and (c) try to also cram in some interval training for fat loss. This all seems to indicate I may try to do the BFL thing while also doing the running thing. We shall see - I am planning a MUCH less rigorous semester in the spring, and I think it might be nice to treat it like a little sabbatical where I focus most of my energy on being healthy and enjoying life. That's the goal!

Day 72: Oh the Glory, Oh the Agony

This morning I got up and it was dark and cold and I just wanted to sleep forever. So I did, or at least, until it was warm and tolerable and 9 am instead of 6. I think this whole working out super-duper early thing may not be working out, seeing as it hasn't happened in weeks. I dragged myself out of bed at 9 and promised I'd work out this afternoon and guess what - I actually did. Hurrah, my first weight lifting session in almost a month. Shameful. But it was good, I did upper body and found that I'm at least as strong on most exercises as I was before, especially the shoulder stuff due most probably to all the yoga. (By all the yoga, I mean I attended 3 45-min classes in the last month...)

So, I've shifted my schedule and the new plan is to get up early and do homework in my warm bed, then hit the gym in the afternoon or evening. As long as I hurry and arrive before 4 pm, lifting is possible in the afternoon, and HIIT can happen anytime except the retardedly busy lunch hour period, so that's fine.

I also just stuffed my face with one of the weirder bingey foods I go for on rare occasions - almonds with garlicky hummus. I don't know if it's that they actually taste good together or that they are the fattiest foods in my kitchen so I naturally pair them. However, I managed to resist both the huge bag of tortilla chips that's been on my counter for a week and a half and the 2 bags of chocolate chips in the cabinet. These both belong to Roommate-Guy, obviously (or they would have been eaten immediately) but he's out for the night and these are easy things to replace. So, better than last Monday night when I inhaled half a bag of tortilla chips and some black bean dip, among other things while pulling a pseudo all nighter.

So, some good and some bad today, but overall I feel pretty good, and the kitchen is closed so no more bingey foods or any foods at all until tomorrow morning.

log for today:
m1: kashi go-lean crunch, frozen blueberries, emergen-c drink
m2: apple, almonds
m3: last night's leftovers (roasted acorn squash, baked teriyaki tofu, roasted cauliflower)
workout: UBWO, 20 mins LISS
m4: spinach and hummus sandwich on whole grain bread
m5: sweet potato, cauliflower and tempeh steamed and doused with salsa
m6: same as m5
unplanned bingey snack: almonds and spinach w/hummus, handful of shredded cheddar (ugh! and not mine!), wee handful of hi-fiber cereal (wtf?)

Day 71: Reflecting

The last few weeks have been stressful, not very healthy, frustrating, just generally rough on the diet and schoolwork fronts. I've been drinking a lot, not sticking to the plan, not keeping the right groceries in the house, indulging in stress-related binges, eating cheese!

Committing to living healthfully and making my body a priority is hard as a law student, but it is going to be even harder as a lawyer. Well, maybe that's not 100% true since I will have the cash to spring for a membership at a posh fancy gym and that might make me want to work out more than my current crappy gym situation. But anyway. I need to make it a priority right now, for my health and sanity.

I've now got about a week and a half until I leave for CA, which is basically the end of this 12-week journey, and I'm going to put my all into at least not getting too fat for the dress I just bought. I weighed in at a satisfactory but not thrilling number this morning and I'm hoping to drop about 4 lb in the next 2 weeks and to drink a zillion gallons of water so as to not be bloated in my flashy gold and black strapless number.

When I get back, I'm going to start fresh, and I've got a new plan for November and December, leading up to finals and the holidays, and it's going to center around relaxation, comfort and peace. I'm envisioning a lot of yoga, a lot of soup, and some very meditative, cleansing cardio stuff. Pared down, relaxing, centered. I hope that with the power of meditation I can get through the last half of a semester that I have really stacked against myself. Maybe I'll start a new blog, or maybe I'll keep it going with this one, not sure yet.

But for now, it's back on the plan. I bought a ton of groceries yesterday and today I need to get some produce to go along with all that. Hooray for a full pantry and not having an excuse to order Chinese, eat pasta or raid the roomie's cheese supply (ugh!).

Today's plan
m1: kashi go-lean crunch, frozen blueberries, coffee
m2: pear, almonds
m3: hummus & veg sandwich, carrots
m4: soy protein shake
m5: roasted acorn squash, brussels sprouts, steamed tofu
m6: roasted acorn squash, brussels sprouts, steamed tofu
water: at least 3 L
workout: HIIT, LISS
homework: lots!

Go Red Sox!

Day ??: Jeeeeepers

Well. I haven't been working out and having been eating like a hyperactive kid on crack. So, that's what's been happening in all this time.

I've been stressed out, to say the least - there was a weekend of awesomeness in between where I went to West Virginia and visited my favorite ladies, and that I will say was totally worth the out of control stress level I seem to be dealing with now. But today, I feel good about today. I'm working on the eating part first, and tomorrow I'm going back to the gym. Weeks 10-12 are going to be kickass, and I'm going to look amazing for the Nov 10 wedding. And sometime in the middle there I'll get around to buying a dress with all the money I don't have. Oy vey!

Still, my fridge is full of fresh delicious veggies, I'm fully caffeinated, and I've gotten a bit of work done today. Hallelujah, being virtuous can feel so good.

Plan for today: do lots of homework, don't get drunk, eat vegetables!

M1: heart-healthy cereal (some new thing I tried from FreshDirect, not bad); strawberries; coffee
M2: 2 Yves GoodDogs, 2 slices of multi-grain bread
M3: roasted pepper & alfalfa sprout sandwich, carrot sticks (yes, a lot of bread so far today)
M4: soy protein shake (hope my soy milk is still good...)
M5: swiss chard, garlicky mashed potatoes, baked tofu
M6: swiss chard, garlicky mashed potatoes, baked tofu

Go, go go! You can do it!

Day 53: Bump, Ouch

I have fallen off the BFL wagon, and fallen really f'ing hard.

The last few days have been abysmal. I have denied myself nothing, and I've even eaten things I didn't want to eat. I haven't worked out since Sunday. I've been "sneaking food," running home to eat because I know my roommate is away. I have eaten some of his food because I know I can replace it before he gets home.

Sigh. It feels good to kind of confess it here. I used to date someone who had been overweight before and had a lot of food/body issues, and when I got really worked up about stuff I would confess it to him, or just tell him I was upset about the way I looked. I had never told anyone that stuff before, and telling him was always hard, but I knew he understood. I kind of forgot about that till just now. I also blame my body image issues in part for our breakup, because after I moved to NY for law school, I started to gain some weight and definitely lost the muscle tone I'd worked so hard for in the year before I got here. I was less comfortable having him see me, and less comfortable going out into the world because I knew my clothes didn't look as good.

I started to get close to my lowest-ever weight, in the last few weeks, and it was scary. The way I got to that weight the first time was by being in love. I mean, I also worked out a lot, but primarily it had to do with the fact that I had an awesome routine. I had my "me time" at the gym right after work, busted my butt on the stepmill and in spinning class, then got home and showered and this guy I really loved would come over and help me cook an awesomely delicious vegan meal, have a glass of wine and some deep conversation, then roll around in bed and fall asleep. And we'd get up the next morning, have breakfast, pack a healthy lunch and do it all over. There was no sneaking into the kitchen late at night, no wine and chocolate in front of the tv alone. No third helpings of dinner after I'm already stuffed. It was a revolution in my life, and it gave me hope, since previously I had worried that if I ever lived with someone I'd get stressed out about not being able to sneak food.

Pfew. So, that's some kind of heavy stuff there. I have a lot of issues about this breakup that have nothing to do, per se, with the person who is no longer in my life. I was sad about that for a while, but since we live in different cities and we had a bad reunion this summer, I'm ok with us not seeing each other for the foreseeable future. But there was a lot of comfort attached to being in a serious relationship.

And I'm stressed. A lot is going on - job search, school, travel, the usual introspective, existential crap. I'm having a tough time holding it together.

I'm giving myself a by for the days that have passed, but tonight I'm going to make a plan for how things are going to go when I get back, and I'm going to make myself a nutritious dinner of roasted pattypans, brown rice and probably some tofu that I need to use or toss before my trip.

The next 4 weeks leading up to E's wedding in California, I'm going to get more serious about taking care of myself. Going to bed earlier, prioritizing my workouts, and doing the things that make me happy - there may be a lot of bubble baths involved, after I scrub the hell out of my dingy bathroom. I am going to do what needs to be done, to make myself happy, healthy, back to feeling like I felt when I was in love (and thin) a couple years ago, but sans the boyfriend who couldn't handle what I have to offer.

Day 50: YESSSSS! Sox Sweep!

Today I really didn't want to go to the gym - I've been kind of sucking, since I missed my Wednesday workout. I made it for HIIT on Thursday (plus yoga sculpt class), then skipped weights again on Friday, didn't do anything yesterday, and today it was a struggle. But I put on my gym clothes (this almost always works to get me there, especially if I put them on and go somewhere near the gym). And I got there, and sat down on a bike next to a guy I would describe as kind of fat and fairly out of shape. But he was plugging along and I felt like we were pushing each other. I definitely kicked some ass (not his, my own). I had good music going, and I brought stuff to read, and the time flew by. I was sad when the fat guy got up and left halfway thru my workout - I felt like we had a sweaty gym chemistry.

So, this week is another week of challenges. WV trip on Thursday night! I'm missing yoga sculpt again, and I have few illusions about working out or eating right while I'm in WV. But I'm going to bring my stuff and maybe I can at least get in a jog around town with one or two of my ladies. And I'm packing lots of fruits and veggies - road trip snacks shopping will happen soon, and will definitely include things like carrots, apples, maybe some high-fiber crackers or something - whatever I can find that will fill me up and be reasonably healthy.

Eating today was also reasonably good - eating yesterday was unequivocally horrific. I'm blaming the PMS monster for making me purchase and eat a shitload of chocolate as well as half a pound of scrambled tofu and various other things that wouldn't be so bad in isolation but since it was a whole day of binge-o-rama, it was very very bad.

OK, time to pop my roasted cauliflower and veggie loaf out of the oven. I love Sunday dinner!

Day 48: Go Sox

Well, I slept in till 8 this morning, which means I did not make it to my early morning weights workout - I have to be at school by 9:40 for journal crap that's going to take most of the day. Then I've got my rescheduled doctor's appointment (yay birth control) and I'm heading over to the health food store to pick up some nutritional yeast for experiments in faux cheese making, and for pesto tonight.

So it's not looking like I'll make it over there today, but I'm thinking tomorrow I can do both Wednesday's lower body workout and today's upper body workout. And then I'll come home and sleep for a year. This weekend I need to get it together and catch up in all my classes before I go to WV and get behind all over again. Today I'm going to conquer international law, tomorrow admin, Sunday copyright. Or something like that...

Not much else to say. I've eaten some bad stuff this week, including chocolate last night after stuffing myself on delicious wonderful soba noodles. Bad bad bad. But at least I didn't drink - it was hard, but K was hungover and I was determined. So, no drinking.

Today's plan
m1: kashi go-lean crunch, froz blueberries
m2: sandwich, carrots
m3: almonds, apple or pear
m4: soy protein shake
m5: spaghetti squash with artichoke pesto & veggies, tempeh
m6: unsure, probably 2 beers in a bar watching the Red Sox
workout: if time stops for a couple hours I'll make it to the gym, otherwise putting it off til tomorrow

Day 47: WTF?

Well, I didn't make it to the gym yesterday for my weights stuff. And then I didn't get up and go early this morning, for no particular reason except it was dark and I didn't feel like it.

Come on! What is my problem!?

I guess the problem is that I am feeling crappy this week. I'm tired, I've had a sore throat, I'm just really worn down. I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and missed a class. My hardest class, where I have no freaking clue what is going on. I should probably be doing the reading and going more. It's just like civ pro all over again, but I'd like to pull it together while I have the chance and not get a crappy grade like I did in civ pro. Oy.

Today's the end of my week, more or less, and I'm bummed out probably because it's also the middle of PMS-o-rama, which always brings me down. Oh and at the law firm dinner last night, which I forgot about until the last minute, I ate a big pile of cheese, and then was in ridiculous pain, and now I'm all farty. Gross.

Plan for today - try and hold it together, lady! I have my first yoga sculpt class today, so I'm going to do some cardio after that - ideally HIIT, but if my limbs are falling off it'll probably be more in the LISS category. And then tomorrow, I guess I'll do yesterday's workout, since it's not good to go all week without doing lower body.

Goddamn! I wasn't going to miss any workouts this week! And I wasn't going to drink, but I only had one and a half (huge) glasses of white wine last night. Why am I such a failure?! Why is my life so hard?! Why do I have to be so ridiculously dramatic and exclamatory all the time!?!?!?!?!

Today's menu:
m1: kashi go-lean crunch w/frozen blueberries
m2: pear, almonds
m3: sandwich, carrots
m4: protein shake
m5: soba w/tofu and asparagus (really this time)
m6: soba w/tofu and asparagus
workout: yoga sculpt, followed by cardio

Day 46: Damn Doctor

I missed my UBWO this morning because I had a doctor's appt (annual thing to get my birth control renewed) at 9:20 am. I didn't get up until 7:15, at which point it just seemed like I wouldn't have time to work out, shower and get over there in time. But when I went over there, they told me I signed up for the wrong appointment and would have to come back. Ugggh. In the real world of grownups, you don't sign up for your doctor's appointment online and have them not know what you're there for when you show up. You call and talk to someone who asks you why the hell you are in. Jesus H. So, I will go back on Friday, and I'll do my workout in the tiny window of time this afternoon between my last class and the law firm dinner I'm going to.

Somehow it seems as though diet & exercise only get under control when EVERYTHING ELSE is totally out of control. I'm kind of flailing around not doing what I need to do for school and job stuff. I guess I always feel this way on Wednesday mornings though since Tuesdays leave me so exhausted and I have no time at the end of the day to do anything productive. I got home at 10:30 last night, talked to K on the phone for a few minutes then collapsed into bed.

Today, I'm on track with eating, I'll get my workout in somehow (damn it!) and I must, must, must do laundry. I'm down to the last of the most hated gym clothes, and tomorrow I'll be doing HIIT naked if I don't manage to wash some stuff. Not sure when it'll happen, but I guess it means I better haul ass back from my dinner, since the laundry room closes at 10:30. Why does everyone have to conspire to make my life so hard?!

This weekend: so productive. I'm not drinking, so that means I'd better be reading. I must catch up in my classes, since my super intense 3 weeks seminar starts next Monday. So, I will be hiding in my room and/or the library starting around 3 pm Friday, until about 9 am Monday.

Day 45: This time, with feeling

I stayed up too late last night fantasizing about food! I was on menupages.com doing research for a big anniversary dinner (my parents' 30th, next month), and drooling all over my computer. But I managed to get up reasonably early and got to the gym around 7 to do HIIT and LISS. It was not easy. I was tired, everything hurt, all my favorite workout clothes are dirty, etc. Quick, somebody call the waaaaahmbulance.

But I did it, and I've been bringing reading to do during LISS so it doesn't drag on - it's productive time, certainly more productive than if I just went home and read Perez Hilton instead, which is my usual time-suck early in the morning.

Meals today have also been right on so far, since I've been out of the apartment for just about all of them. Next up I'm about to cook up some couscous with tofu and zucchini, doused with a bit of soy sauce and just a few black sesame seeds. I'll have half for M5 here and then drag the rest along to my evening activities and have M6 around 8 pm. Tuesdays are an easy day for food, since I am not in my apartment like, at all.

And the scale was back down today. I think I'm going to make my Friday goal of getting to 1 lb lower than my lowest weight. Well, I shouldn't say that now since I'm coming up on my period so I may be a bloated whale by Friday. But maybe I will still meet my goal next week of another 1-2 lb lower than the Friday goal, before my big West Virginia trip (yaaaay). I'm so, so stoked to go see my best friends from college, one of whom I haven't seen in well over a year. Eating well, and especially eating vegan, is going to be hard or impossible, but I'm going to pack a lot of fruit and veggies, and just do the best I can, which of course is all you can do in this life. I just need to try not to eat my weight in biscuits and I should be ok. And not come home with cartons of cheap, cheap cigarettes. Ieee.

Hungry or Stressed?

The eating plan I'm doing now doesn't involve eating-only-until-full or eating mindfully, necessarily. It should involve those things in a way, but generally I'm on the 6 meals a day body-builder style plan to fight insulin resistance and keep energy high all day. Is it working? I don't know - sometimes I get very hungry and I justify having a snack. I generally have a 100-200 calorie window where I can throw in something extra, or switch out one meal for another when I get too lazy to cook what's on Plan A.

Today I felt super hungry for a lot of the day, and when I finally came home, I sat in front of the tv and devoured a whole bell pepper, a bunch of carrot sticks, and of course a bunch of hummus. The veggies and hummus (or even better - chips and hummus) get me every damn time. I don't know how I managed to resist it in the first few weeks I was doing this. Actually, I do - I was never home. I packed all my meals and had them somewhere other than my apartment. It's only in the apartment that I'm stuffing my face with delicious creamy hummus.

Also, it is getting cold. I have spent a lot of "homework time" paging thru all my cookbooks to find delicious soup recipes that I want to try. I think that maybe in the next few months Sunday will be soup night. And then I could have delicious homemade soup in the fridge or freezer to have again later. Delish!

Day 44: Not bad

Well, yesterday was a relative success - or, really, a total success since I did my workout, ate all my planned meals, and went to bed almost on time. The less successful part is getting school work done. You win some, you lose some.

And then this morning I got up early(ish) and went to the gym around 7:15, for the first time in probably 2 weeks. I didn't get there in time to do LISS, but I banged out a very respectable UBWO, then hustled home to shower and have breakfast, which is where I am right now.

I read all of Skinny Bitch yesterday, and I must say, it has nothing to do with becoming a skinny bitch and everything to do with eating an organic, vegan diet. And says as much, on the very last page. I just kept waiting for the chapter that would be "oh, also, limit your calories." They advise that you just have a big plate of fruit for breakfast and a veggie salad for lunch, but then in their little menu plan all the breakfasts and lunches are made of tofu and bread, or something like that.

My goal for this week is to get back down my lowest (recent) weight by Friday, to be achieved by the resolutions I made yesterday - not drinking, not missing any workouts and eating loads of good veggies. Before I leave for West Virginia next week I'd really like to be seeing a new low. I just have to put my head down and work - on school stuff, on exercise, on sticking to the diet plan. Just push through.

Plan
workout: UBWO
m1: kashi, frozen blueberries
m2: apple, almonds
m3: hummus & veggie sandwich, carrots
m4: soy protein shake
m5: sweet potato, cauliflower and tempeh (steamed and doused with salsa)
m6: same as m5

Day 43: Virtue!

So, halfway thru, and at the end point of my callback interviews. A good time to cut the crap, put my head down and f'ing work my butt off. That is the plan. These last few weeks have been ROUGH and by the end of the week I'm generally chowing down chips and skipping workouts. Last week was particularly bad for skipping workouts, though not quite as bad on eating too much.

Goals for this week:
1. Don't skip any workouts!! I don't know when the last time was when I went a whole week without skipping a single one.

2. Don't drink! I've been drinking way too much the last 2 weeks and it has got to stop. Drinking (especially when combined with exxxtreme stress like this past weekend) leads to my face in a bag of goldfish crackers (so not vegan)! I'm going off the sauce for almost 2 weeks, from now until my West Virginia trip a week from Thursday. At which point I will be doing as many cheap whiskey shots as my poor ravaged liver can stand. Or, like, having classy cocktails with my favorite ladies.

3. Eat all the awesome veggies I just bought, and not have to throw any rotten stuff away! Here is a short list of what I just bought on the way home from the gym: cauliflower, tomatoes, spaghetti squash, zucchini, asparagus, carrots, pears, sweet potato, baby arugula. Holy crap, that's so many awesome veggies! Eat them up, while they are still pristine and delicious.

Today's plan
m1: kashi go-lean crunch w/frozen blueberries
m2: almonds, apple
m3: 2 soydogs, 2 slices of sprouted bread
workout: HIIT, LISS
m4: soy protein shake
m5: veggieloaf, roasted cauliflower
m6: veggieloaf, roasted cauliflower

Oh I also bought that Skinny Bitch book, which I went back and forth about for a while but ultimately bought it because hey, I'm already a vegan, so why not read something that vindicates and solidifies my existing beliefs about food? Oy. It is an interesting read, and does have a lot of foul language, as advertised. And it makes me feel thoroughly disgusting about the (ugh!) turkey that I ate while sad-drunk the other night as well as the delicious delicious mozzarella I had at lunch on Friday. And it is definitely strengthening my resolve about veganism, giving up soda and eating more fruit. So, plus one for Skinny Bitch although I'm not sure I'd go vegan just because of being bullied by these pretty girls with dirty mouths, if I wasn't convinced already.

Day 40: Inventory

I had another stupid night of drinking and eating too late in the evening last night. I am going to attribute this both to self-sabotage and to stress. On the surface I feel pretty okay about my stress level, but underneath that I am tweaking out because I am spread waaaay too thin and I know there are a lot of things I haven't been taking care of.

Tonight I'm leaving for my very last official interview trip (it's possible I'll take another trip up to check out more places). This is a major source of stress for a couple of reasons: my last trip didn't yield an offer from either of 2 places that I really, really liked. I want to do really well on these ones, so I have better/more choices in the next couple weeks when I have to make a commitment. And also, I am freaking out about whether I'll be able to eat right, exercise, get school work done, and sleep enough. I'm about to hit the halfway mark of this journey, and I can't let things fall apart now.

So. The plan for today: pack my stuff, go to the gym, pick up a couple things at the grocery store & farmer's market, eat the rest of my planned meals, tidy up my room a bit, do a little reading, go to the airport and get to my parents' house.

And I'm planning out what to eat over the next few days. I'm bringing high protein clif bars, almonds and apples with me, and even though it's not ideal to live on those 3 things, they will fill in the gaps between cereal, veggie burgers, etc that I can get at my parents' house. It's only 2 days - I can get through this with no binges of peanut butter, bread, crackers or ice cream!

As for the title of this post: I have made progress in the last 5 1/2 weeks. I have lost around 6 lb. I have gained a lot of muscle tone. I have made exercise and nutrition a very high priority even when things get hectic. I feel good about myself.

Over the next 6 1/2 weeks leading up to the end of this 12 week challenge (which takes me up to the date of my former roommate's wedding, the first time I will have seen her in 6 months!) - I have a few goals and things to ponder. I would like to limit drinking to no more than 2 nights a week, and not get ridiculously hammered each time. I'm going to have to think about how to put this into practice, because I am bad at saying no to a nice glass of chilled white wine or a dirty vodka martini. I want to make sure I actually get into bed early, which is very hard for me lately. I want to make it to EVERY weights workout each week, which has been a big challenge for me. Maybe I could get some resistance bands to make it easier to do that stuff away from the gym... Around 3 weeks from now I'm going to get serious about buying a dress for this wedding, and I want to look hot in it!

Day 39: What's your problem, lady?

So. Yesterday was my super busy day, and I was having stomach pain all day. I don't know what is going on with me, but I've been kind of obsessed with my digestive health, and in response or something, my digestive tract is making itself a nuisance. Ew. But anyway, I felt crappy all day, but did make it to the gym for some LISS (skipped HIIT) and then instead of going home, I went to K's and had sushi and chardonnay (doh!). Get it together, lady! What is your problem?

Needless to say, since I didn't get to bed til after 1, I did not get up at 6 and go to the gym. Damn it. So, I'm going to try and go tonight, which sucks because I have so much crap to do. I just feel like I'm flailing around right now and not able to get myself on track.

I mean, all things considered I pretty much am on track - eating has been almost entirely on track. My weight has maintained at an ok place. I just feel like I'm not exercising willpower when there are easy healthy choices. I haven't been open enough with my friends about how important it is to me to stick to my diet and my exercise routine. I try to act all casual about it, which is just silly.

So, what to do? Today, I'm going to (a) stick to the food plan, (b) make it to the gym eventually and hopefully get in my UBWO, but at the very least do some cardio, (c) try to relax and keep on not getting sick, and (d) be productive - do reading, attack some of the clutter that's taking over my room, and pack for tomorrow's trip up to Boston. These are not hard things to do!

Plan:
M1: Kashi go-lean crunch and frozen blueberries
M2: apple, almonds
M3: sandwich, carrots
M4: protein shake
M5: quinoa, brussels sprouts, baked tofu
M6: quinoa, brussels sprouts, baked tofu
workout: UBWO, LISS
drink: lots and lots of water and tea - do not get sick!

Day 38: Sickness not an option

For like the 8th time in the last 6 weeks I feel like I am getting sick. I am just too run down and stressed! Not good. Fortunately I have an immune system that could throttle a horse. Or some actual expression that makes sense...

So I'm drinking tea, wearing a scarf, and I let myself sleep in a bit. It is kind of silly, maybe, to be getting up super early to go to the gym for HIIT, since I can definitely make that happen any time of the day. It's just the weights that I have to do early (even though I don't want to) because any other time of day I go and can't get access to any of the stuff I need because it's so crowded. GOD I HATE THIS STUPID SCHOOL GYM. Anyway, the point of getting up early for HIIT, aside from ideas about cardio being best on an empty stomach, is to have some consistency about the times when I get up, so that it's not so impossible to get up early when I truly need to (MWF).

Today's my super busy day but thankfully it'll be over by 9 instead of being stuck at school until 11 like the last few weeks. Every other Tuesday will be a super late one and then the ones in the middle will only go til 9. So I will go to the gym at 9, which is not ridiculously late, and I will go to bed immediately when I get home, so as to make it possible to get up early and do weights tomorrow. My legs are screaming from the workout I did yesterday, hurrah. I did stiff-leg deadlifts for the first time in a while and it was great. I really wore out my hamstrings.

Alrighty, no more procrastination - it's reading time, then time for a zillion errands and school. Cannot wait until this week is over and then NO MORE INTERVIEWING, YAAAAY. I will have to go back to a couple places, I think, to make up my mind since at this point I feel really unsure about where I want to work. But I have high hopes about the interviews that are this week, and I have some very good options on the table. I pretty much can't go wrong, so it's not too too much to worry about.

Day 37: Blah Monday Blah

Well, I overcame the odds by going to the gym this morning. I didn't make it as early as I'd have liked, but when I woke up I was so mad about having to go, but also so hungry so I decided to have breakfast and give myself a bit of a pep talk. Actually, it was more like "Wise up! You'll be so much more angry later when you go to the gym and it's packed with muscleheads and you have to use the weight machines that you don't like!" So, a bit of tough love and some coffee and cereal and I made it out the door.

My weight this morning was ultra high, probably because of the majorly fiber-riffic meal I had last night (it was mega-huge, but low cal). I am trying to train myself to poo in the morning instead of the afternoon (yes I am my own dog and I know, ew). But I'm not entirely sure that's within the realm of possibility. And it's a bit psychotic to do that just to assure myself that my morning weight is the lowest it can be.

However, I did eat pretty much on track today. I added a bit of hummus to nosh on with the extra cauliflower while I was chopping veggies and stuff for dinner. Monday dinners are great, though I really just wanted sicky autumn food because I have a sore throat. I looked at soups in the store but wasn't impressed plus the aisles are so wee that I couldn't stand there for long without getting mowed down by other shoppers. And I contemplated pastina (Italian toddler food, which I adore) but it's too hard to measure out and has high calories and I'd have to put margarine on there which is also high calories and too much bother. I need a scale to weigh things like pasta...

And now I'm posting on here to avoid homework, as usual. Today was a pretty good day, fairly productive but I'm not sure it's enough. I still have loads of work, I'm tired and I just want to watch movies. Gotta just push through some of this work and go to bed early so this sore throat doesn't get worse. I'm such a weirdo when I start to feel sick. I drink lots of tea and wear a little scarf even though it's warm out and I have the AC on. It just feels like the thing to do.

Day 36: I have a good feeling about Week 6

Or anyway, I have a lingering bad feeling about Week 5, which was almost all bad as far as eating went. Last night was not exactly the shining example of getting my shit together. I ended up ordering out Chinese, then having a few drinks at a bar, then coming back and eating all my leftovers! And if that weren't bad enough, ugh, I can't even type it. I had a bagel too. That is a serious, serious binge right there.

So, I got up this morning and I immediately threw on some clothes, got my shopping bags and list, and I trekked down to Trader Joe's to pick up a crapload of important things. I should be set for quite a while as far as non-perishables go, plus I got some tasty brussels sprouts, yay. Maybe this week I'll try roasting them, though I like them just fine boiled too.

Eating for today is going to be on plan or I'm going to start punching myself in the face. OMG. I cannot take the guilt of these late night drinking and eating sessions! It's because I suddenly was on track, I had to go and sabotage it. Well, I'm saying now that I'm not going to let it happen.

Today's plan:
HIIT and LISS
M1: pear and almonds
M2: hummus & veg sandwich and carrots
M3: clif builder's bar
M4: baked sesame tofu, roasted cauliflower, roasted butternut squash (my mouth is watering just thinking of it)
M5: same as M4

Workout and meals 1-3 are done, and I've got all the stuff to do my last 2 meals so I'm about to get things ready to go in the oven for an hour. Hallelujah. Sunday dinners are always good around here. I'm just going to have to keep that bar high all week. Thurs-Sat I'll be in Boston, but seeing as that is my halfway point (!) I'm going to stay mindful, pack lots of good food, and do my best to at least get in as much cardio as I reasonably can.

I need coffee! Time to get psyched about roasting veggies, doing laundry and a crapload of reading. Hoo-ah!

Day 35: 7 weeks down

I'm really disappointed in myself about the way this week went. Yesterday was my designated cheat day, largely because I was too hungover to do things like grocery shopping or responsible cooking. So I ate Chinese leftovers for lunch, Korean food (tasty and healthy, but a lot of it) for dinner, then had a few drinks and a bagel when I came home. Those bastardly bagels are evil. However, I ended up walking a lot in the evening since I am retarded and assumed that my train just wasn't running, which in retrospect it was probably just running on the other track. I had to pee so badly! It was a 15 block walk of anger and worrying that this would be the night when I peed my pants right on Broadway in front of people I go to school with.

Anyway. I am on track today, and making do with the food I've got in the house, which is fine for today. Tomorrow I MUST go to the store because I've now run out of everything. I'm going to hopefully get up super early and make a Trader Joe's run, to set myself up for basically the next month's worth of non-perishables.

And then I'm going to read a million pages for class and work out and be virtuous. That's the plan.

Day 34: Suckitude

So last night I committed cardinal sin #1 of bad eating. I got drunk and ordered Chinese food at 1 am. I haven't done this in quite some time! This week has just been bad, bad, bad for eating. I got it back on track for a couple days and I know I haven't done that much damage, plus I've been kicking ass at the gym for the most part. I think I may have to just move my free day to Friday, at least on most weeks. That's what I've decided today, since I'm too hungover to do anything besides loaf and stare and want to keep eating. Actually the eating part isn't entirely true since I'm a bit queasy but I don't want to eat on plan, I want to eat anything that isn't on plan. So I'm eating relatively little but it's still free day.

Anyhow, the big leap in the right direction which needs to happen is: GROCERY SHOPPING, like for serious. I should have done a major shopping trip and got everything since I know during the week it's too hard for me to get out to the store. I am going to trader joe's tomorrow probably early in the morning to beat the crowd, and I'm going to stock up on almonds, tempeh, hummus, bread, cereal, etc. - all my staple foods. This is important. I do so well (mostly) when I have every single thing I need in the house already. That way I just follow my schedule, make all my tasty filling awesome meals and then I'm golden. But the combination of drinking/trying to be social and not having everything I need in my kitchen is too much to handle. I've also been stressed and all that, but that's not going away anytime soon so I have to work with it, and channel that into working out.

Workouts, meanwhile, have been kind of meditative this week, which is wonderful since frequently I just go to this awful gym and I get angry at stinky people, crowdedness, undergrad girls in hot pants and heavy eyeliner, etc. But lately I've been listening to mellower music, thinking deep thoughts and getting relaxed. It helps that I can be angry during part 1 of my workout (HIIT or weights) and then be relaxed during part 2 (LISS on the elliptical).

So I'm pushing today's UBWO til tomorrow, probably in the early evening, and I'm going to the movies tonight and tomorrow, not having more than a drink or 2 each night, trying to take it easy and get a ton of schoolwork done in the next few days. I have a bit of catching up to do after all these interviews, and it sure didn't happen yesterday or today.

Plan for tonight - tasty/somewhat healthy dinner out (probably Korean) with K, then a movie screening with discussion by writer & director John Turturro (!) and maybe a glass of wine with S and in bed at a reasonable hour. Then tomorrow, it's 100% on plan, lots of good shopping, lots of good homework/reading, and the beginning of a healthy, happy, good week. Optimism is key!

Day 32: Pfew

So I made it to a new low weight this morning, shockingly. Yesterday was SO VIRTUOUS. I didn't make it to the gym early, but I did suck it up and go late, and I kicked ass on HIIT, then ellipticalled for 25 mins. It meant I stayed up a little too late again, but I did manage to hit the gym around 8:30 this morning for LBWO and LISS. I've been pushing myself a bit harder on leg press, because I know even though it feels hard, I can go heavier. Those are very strong muscles, my quads and glutes. So the last 2 times I went, I did 12x70 lb, 10x90 lb, 8x110 lb, 6x130(!), 12x110, then ballet squats 12x20 lb dumbbells. BFL lifting takes a long time on each exercise... Especially when I'm doing leg press and I have to get up to add more weight on I feel like I'm being very territorial. I need to not have a complex about that though, since I know the big dudely dudes in there don't feel bad using a bench for an hour or whatever, even though there's only like 5 benches. I belong there, too.

This morning I signed up for yoga sculpt class at the gym, with K, on Thursday afternoons. So that should be cool, maybe help me get bendy-er. Also, I finally bought the yoga dvd I've been pining for, so maybe it'll come this weekend while my roommate is out of town and I can bend and balance and fall down in the living room. I don't think I'd be embarrassed to do it in front of him, but the living room does kind of block his room so if I'm trying to do downward dog for an hour straight that might get in his way. We'll see, but I'm excited to get it. I also bought the Skinny Bitch book, which I had decided not to get but then it was on sale and I needed to add something for free shipping. Fortunately I already do the vegan thing, mostly, so I'm not going to be appalled by that. I'm interested to see what all the hype is about, aside from the animal rights stuff.

Progress! It's so easy to get down about things when there's no measurable progress, but hitting a low weight today after a big gain over the weekend was pretty sweet. We'll see if it sticks - I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I worked out at 11 last night (and worked out super hard!) so I'll believe it if I see it again tomorrow or the next day.

It's so close to the weekend, at least in my mind. This weekend, as I mentioned, the roommate is out of town, and I'm going to hopefully spend Friday night at home, doing some serious room organizing and cleaning, plus catching up on all the reading I've been letting slide, and probably watch a DVD and have a glass of wine. Or, maybe go see a play... either way, a night of wholesome fun and going to bed early.

Day 31: Come On Now

Yesterday was bad news. I didn't change my meal plan to accommodate those extra calories at lunch, and then after the gym K came over and we had martinis. And sugar snap peas. And then I was drunk and I needed to have a bagel. Ugh! I am up 3 lb today and I know that I can get rid of that if I can just get myself entirely back on track. And did I mention that I didn't work out this morning? The plan now is to go after my journal meeting, which would be somewhere between 10 and 11. This is ok, but it means it's going to be hard to get up early tomorrow, and I need to get there early to do weights effectively.

So, today is going ok so far aside from pushing my workout back till late tonight. I just had breakfast (kashi, blueberries, coffee) and bought a lb of coffee at Starbucks. My wonderful roommate gets up and makes coffee almost every day, which I really enjoy, although he's going out of town tomorrow so I guess I'll have to make it for my lazy self. You know what that means - naked party in my apartment!

Plan for today: spend the morning getting a ton of reading done; eat all my meals EXACTLY as planned; no "noshing" while making meals; go to class; go to more class; HIIT and LISS at le gym late this evening. And then straight to bed so I can get my act together tomorrow and work out early!

The Continuing Saga of Job Search 07

I think today's interview lunch was one of the highest in calories but also one of the most delicious of all. We went for Chinese food at a very classy place in Midtown. (Who knew there was classy Chinese in Midtown? Not I.) I had hot & sour soup followed by ma po tofu with brown rice. Very tasty, probably very oily but at least it was silken tofu which is not as high-cal as regular tofu. Oy. I'm going to probably cut out my afternoon meal of almonds & pear, and that should just about cover it. How relieved am I to be almost done with this? Not that I can really complain since the meals are incredible, but it does stress me out to try and work around an unpredictable meal. Predictability is the key to my success, so far, and when there's no plan it's hard to feel on track. Next summer is going to be a lot of fancy eating out, but I guess I'll just figure out a plan where I eat a really little dinner and plan for a big lunch, and I'll be having lots of soup & salad or whatever anyway, since there's limited selection for vegetarians/vegans. I did have eggs today, in my soup. I'm nothing if not flexible. But anyway, I will be relieved to be eating my regular sandwich and carrots for lunch and know what's coming next.

Day 30: Still a Fatty

I'm having an attitude problem this morning. I think the only reason I really made it out of bed at 6:30 and went to the gym was because my roommate and his girlfriend were up moving around at that hour so I didn't feel like such a freak for being up early when I don't have to be anyplace until 10. Still, I was nervous about not making it back to my apartment in time to get ready for my interview this morning (sigh - almost done). So I skipped LISS and just did my upper body workout, and maybe I'll make it back for cardio this evening with my friend K.

Eating yesterday was great, although dinner was one of those massive high-fiber feasts that brought my weight up this morning. I'm trying not to think about it - hopefully tomorrow I'll be down a bit, and I can tell by this afternoon that fiber will work its way out. Ideally not until I get back from the interview!

I'm feeling frustrated about not making a lot of progress. This happens, I know - I actually am making a lot of progress but right now it's not obvious since I spent all weekend pigging out and not exercising. I need to give it a few days so I can work that stuff out of my system and pick up the pace for working out. I'm really glad I don't have any more interviews between today and next Friday, since that takes off a lot of the time pressure in the morning.

OK, time to finish getting dressed and ready to go...

Day 29?!: Ack!

Man oh man. I have to make this one quick since I've been not-doing a lot of homework for the past few hours since I got up. But this weekend at my parents' house was badness x a million. Ice cream sundae, oily stir fry, a bite of pizza that I suspect had some meat on there, peanut butter on a spoon, you name it! But I'm back in style, and I'm going to overcome the scheduling and laziness issues of last week by going to bed early and getting up early. This week is going to be so on plan it will put Week 1 to shame.

So, week 5. I was really hoping to be in a size 2 by this point, but I'll settle for my old fat jeans (stretchy size 16) feeling like fat jeans again. They hang off me much as they did a year ago, which is spectacular. I have to wear a belt to keep 'em up. This is good, and soon I'm going to need to buy some new jeans anyway since these ones are a couple years old and are looking kind of beat up at the cuffs and seat.

The awesome thing that happened at my parents' house is that they bought me a new pair of sneakers, which I have been desperately needing for a while now. I feel like sneakers are supposed to last forever, but truly they do not, especially when you buy the ones on sale at Bob's as I have been doing for years. So I got a much nicer pair of New Balances courtesy of my dad, and I'm stoked to throw them on and hit the gym in about an hour. Other than that, today's plans involve buying some fruit and veggies, reading a ton, and cooking up a new veggie loaf to throw in the freezer and last me the next 4 weeks of Sunday night dinners. This has been a real treat the last few weeks to have such an easy and delicious thing to heat up. I just need to figure out a way to make it slightly less fatty. There's nuts and beans and seeds in there so it could be tough, but there are some variations I can try out.

Day 25: Scheduling Drama

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah. I started to post yesterday but my internet wasn't working and I didn't have time anyway, but I was excited because my weight was down .4 from my last lowest weight of last week! And today, I'm down an additional .4, yay. It's the one awesome thing about getting my period. Hopefully that will keep on going down and then stay down.

I skipped HIIT yesterday, but made it into the gym late last night to do 30 minutes of gossip and stairmaster with a friend. I was doing it on a pretty low setting, so that I could talk at the same time, but that machine is intense. I sweated like a fat man from the moment I stepped on that thing, and my pulse stayed at a medium/high rate the whole time. It was glorious, but also disgusting. So, since I was at the gym until 12 and then took until 1 to wind down... I missed my upperbody workout this morning. I'm going to bring clothes to class and just go from there, but it kind of sucks because the gym is always packed later on. I will just suck it up and remember this so that next week I won't let myself get behind like this. I just got so backed up on sleep the last few days, and I was doing interviews too, so I was just exhausted. Which makes me inefficient at getting work done, so I stay up later doing it, etc, etc.

So today, rescheduled workout aside, I have to stay on task and get shit done. I've got a lot to do today and tomorrow before I take off for Boston, and I cannot let the workouts fall by the wayside. My current workout schedule is totally getting me where I want to be, and I need to ride that success as far as I can. I can't believe I've stuck with this for almost 4 weeks now! Some of my clothes are definitely getting loose, I feel stronger and just better all around. Just 8 more weeks until California and the end of this challenge, when I'll probably take a week to assess and plan, before I move on to either another BFL challenge or some other routine.

Must be Homework Day

That is, since I'm posting more than once, this definitely means there are other things I am supposed to be doing, such as a gazillion pages of reading, ugh. I was so psyched to come back to school, and as far as actually being here with friends and all, I am glad, but the reality of classes and work is tough. It's a struggle to regain my attention span, although at the moment I am very caffeinated, so I just need to focus that energy onto the text book. Get off the internet!

I have been thinking about how slow my weight loss is going (scale has bounced back up 2.8 lb since the 5 lb loss I was seeing last week) and feeling a bit disappointed in myself, but truly I think I'm putting on muscle on this plan, and I'm losing in a responsible way. My legs definitely look more muscular, and although they're not where they were a year and a half ago (oh, those days were great) I'm working back up to that. I know if I cut my calories really low and did an hour and a half of cardio every day, I could drop weight super fast, but that's not really working with my schedule, and the weightlifting part is important. I cannot do an hour and a half of cardio plus 40 mins of weightlifting, and expect to pass any of my classes, or even make it to them.

Plus the bounce I saw on the scale today is pretty minor considering how much I ate and drank and wasn't hydrated this weekend, and the fact that I'm very menstrual right now. So, I'm hoping that this week of serious discipline (law firm lunches aside) will put me right back on track to see a really good loss by the time I get back from Boston this weekend. I'll probably end up having a cheat-ish meal on Friday night with my parents, but after my awesome self-control the last time I was home, I know I can handle this. It's just one night and one day at home, so I'll stay strong.

OK, back to the books, then I have a scheduled TV break in about 2 hours. Since there's nothing new on I think I'll catch up on some old shows online. I'm going to have to subscribe to Biggest Loser on iTunes when it starts up because I have a meeting on Tuesday nights!

Day 22: Tired

My sister left this morning at 5:30 or so, which was good and bad, I suppose. Yesterday my PMS and hangover combined with her inexplicable misery and crankiness had us hit a wall. I don't know what was going on, but I was ready to take her to the bus station last night at 10, because I couldn't handle her sullen teen routine anymore - she is 22 and a married woman. First I got angry because she didn't want to do anything besides play solitaire and chat with her friends on the computer (you came to NYC to do this?!). Then I wished I hadn't dragged her away from it because suddenly we were on some kind of torture march through the city where she didn't want to go back to my apartment so we wandered 25 blocks or so through the West Village, which had her entirely unimpressed.

I haven't let this be a very personal blog so far, at least in terms of talking about people other than myself, and I don't intend to include much of that, since this is about my personal journey and not about me bitching about my family. But this is something I am very troubled about - my sister and I are very close, but she is a person who has a really hard time (or refuses, depending on your perspective) with communication. She's pushing everyone in my family away AGAIN after we finally sort of broke back in. AAAAGHH! It's so, so frustrating, and I get so sick of being diplomatic about it. Be a grownup! Tell people what you need and how you feel!

So, that is weighing on my mind, and I feel badly that I was still angry and frustrated with her at the ridiculous hour that she decided to leave. We're going to have to have a serious talk. But what I need right now is also to refocus on my own life and goals. Today is getting-back-on-track day, for diet & exercise plus for school and other important life stuff.

Day 21: Don't Ask

Well, the birthday splurge was major. It kind of started on Thursday, or maybe earlier, as PMS set in pretty early this week. So I'm not weighing for a couple days, as I wait for the bloat to pass and get myself back on track.

Birthday was amazing, and I think it was worth it for all the calories, etc, and I did manage to work out for a while yesterday, although I was very tired and sort of hungover so not working as hard as usual. I'm going to make it up tomorrow! And I am off the sauce for a while... I'll be traveling next weekend so I can definitely keep it in check and limit it to maybe a glass of wine with a friend I've got plans to meet up with at some point.

Plan for tomorrow: see my sister off at an obscenely early hour, have a delicious breakfast, get a lot of reading done, HIIT & LISS at the gym, more reading and cleaning, more delicious and nutritious meals and loads of water, maybe some detox tea, more reading, some TV and off to bed early.

Five interviews on the schedule for this week - it's getting very tiring, but I am more confident in each one than the last, especially since I already have a couple of offers that I'm considering. Just a few more weeks and it'll be decision time, hallelujah.

Day 19: ugggg.

Last night = 3 martinis, several delicious dumplings and a mini binge of hummus and bread. In other words, a slight breakdown in willpower, which spilled over into this morning. I didn't do my reading, I didn't get to the gym early in the morning (went this afternoon), I just drank too much and dished with best-friend-K and let loose. I am unenthused about responsibilities.

So, that happened. It wasn't a major calorie problem and I did get in my workout today, but I do kind of feel like a fuck-up about not doing my work. I just had no motivation to get it done. It's the first week of school, tomorrow's my birthday and I just wanted to chill out. I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Oh, I also didn't go grocery shopping, which means that today I ate soydogs instead of having a protein shake and then had a clif builder bar for M5 just now instead of a real meal. I'm going to a fancy law firm dinner tonight (leaving as soon as I get showered and presentable) where the only vegetarian option is going to be mushroom risotto, and I had to specially request it so I didn't get stuck with steak. So, mushrooms and butter, not really on my favorites list since I'm a mushroom-hating near-vegan, so it shouldn't be too tough to eat the salad and any other vegetable option and ignore most of the risotto. Then come home and go shopping before my sister gets here, if there's time. Fortunately I live in the big city so the store's open 24 hrs.

Not much else to say. I'm worn out from all the stuff that's going on this week, and I'm looking forward to interviews being finito. I got my first job offer today and despite the fact that I think I'd rather be in Boston than NY, and this is an NY offer (at a firm I totally loved, but still NY), I'm tempted to just take it and cancel the rest to spare myself the exhaustion!

Day 18: 5 lb down!

Slow & steady wins the race. I was kind of hoping I'd drop 10 lb in the first week, but that's definitely not possible while you're also trying to build muscle - 5 lb in 2 and a half weeks is awesome, even if the scale bounces back up a little bit tomorrow. And it probably will, if I actually end up going out on this date and eating salty, delicious vegan restaurant food. That's a whole other story. However, I'm going to say that the movement on the scale that I've seen in the past week or so has to do with the added cardio. I'm going to keep that up, to the extent possible, and so far it's not too tough to cram in 25-30 mins of low/med intensity cardio after a BFL workout. Today I decided to push my workout back a couple hours so I could have breakfast first. I can deal with stomach rumbling during a cardio-only workout, but it worries me when I'm trying to lift weights. I wouldn't want to get light-headed. Also, yesterday the gym was less busy when I left (around 8 I think) than when I got there (7).

Improvised dinner yesterday when I didn't have time to go buy broccoli or cook rice: whole wheat couscous (takes 5 min), steamed zucchini and tofu. I was worried that steamed zucchini would taste like nothing, but I liked it and the texture was great. And the couscous was nice, fluffy and filling. So, that's a possibility again for the future, especially since it's so quick.
Tonight I'll either be eating out or I guess otherwise I'd make scrambled tofu or my favorite soba dish with broccoli and tofu. We shall see - I do want to go out with this guy, so I've prepared myself for the idea of eating out.

The only person I've explained the full extent of my fitness plans to is my sister, who's coming to visit this weekend. I emailed her about my eating schedule, so my plan is just to alter my meals slightly so that she can eat the same thing. She's a fitness nut, so I'm sure she'd be happy to have low-cal, high fiber little meals provided to her. I'll have to talk to her a bit more before she gets in tomorrow, and probably do a little shopping to make it work. But I'm glad we can share that so I don't have to be a weirdo about it.

Day 17: First Day of School

Just a quickie right now since I have about 3 minutes before I need to go run a bunch of errands and pick up reading to do before classes start. First day of school! I am excited but also nervous because I have a very busy, long day ahead and it's only the beginning of the week. I wish I'd gotten a bit more work done last week - I didn't really start with the homework until Sunday and Monday, so I'm not exactly ahead of the game.

Popped out of bed at 6:30 this morning, groggy but motivated, and went to the gym for HIIT on the bike (my ass muscles hurt!) and 25 mins low/med intensity steady state on the elliptical (no resistance, because of ass hurting and general tiredness). I just packed up M3 (sandwich, carrots) and M4 (almonds, pear), and I'll be making my M2 protein shake in a sec, then heading out to the post office and a zillion other places. Class starts at 1:10, and this day doesn't end until around 9:30 pm, at which point I need to haul ass back home and do a bit of reading for tomorrow. Oy! But my date is rescheduled for tomorrow, so that's something to look forward to, and by then my week will be nearly over.

This day requires optimism and coffee, so I'm going to do my best to stay fueled up on both. Time to get going!

Day 16: Feeling Fine

Today I feel much happier and more hopeful than yesterday. That one was a doozy, partly because of some issues that were weighing on my mind and partly because I'm aggravated that the gym is no longer my own little secret place. The undergrads have arrived, sigh.

I didn't get up at 6:30 as planned this morning, but I did manage to crawl out of bed around 8:30, have some breakfast, do a bit of reading and then got down to the gym. I pumped out a decent upperbody workout, though next time I need to increase weight on bench press (yay) and probably change my shoulder exercises, since the upright rows are starting to hurt a bit with the increased weight. And then I hopped on the old arc trainer for a quick 25 mins of LISS, and then as soon as I was done my dumb iPod headphones crapped out. Oy. At least they made it to the end of my workout before the left one started sounding all quiet and tinny. Fortunately I have my big old ugly headphones that the exboyfriend shipped to me in a big box o' stuff not so long ago, so I don't have to suffer all that much. And now I think that when I reach a milestone in weight loss (hopefully soon - hurry up!) I will reward myself with some new ipod earphones for the subway, and continue using the old school headphones at the gym. I don't know if it's a problem with sweating into them or the connector that's starting to fray, but either way I'm blaming the abuse they take at the gym, so hopefully a non-gym pair would last more than 9 months.

This is kind of gross, but I'm thinking of doing some kind of colon cleanse. I don't understand how I could be eating this much fiber and, ahem, "going" this infrequently. My belly feels bloaty, and as I said yesterday it's partially because I'm in PMS mode, but that's definitely not all that's going on. So I'm looking into options but the web sites about these things are all ads disguised as personal web sites. I may just try a salt water flush once a week or so. Seriously gross by all accounts, but if it gets ride of this icky stomach feeling, probably worth it.

Now, I'm 45 minutes behind on my homework schedule and it's starting to feel a bit dire. Plans for the rest of the day include: reading a lot; a trip down to trader joe's to stock up on bread, cereal, hummus and soymilk; cooking up a delicious dinner of sweet potatoes, tempeh and broccoli (hello fiber); and more reading. I really should go buy a first day of school outfit, but I don't think it's going to happen since I don't have time to go shopping. I have bought a few new things over the summer, so I can just pretend that I haven't worn them yet. Anyway, there will be so much more glory in it when I can buy a smaller size. Some of my clothes are starting to get big, but I'm not sure if I'm just imagining it. Hopefully after my period is over I'll see a big loss, and won't screw it up too badly with birthday indulgences.

bingy

PMS is rearing its ugly head and today, for the first time I really got to the point where I could hardly control myself. However, it has been over 2 weeks since my last binge (I have no clue when the last time was, really - probably sometime in the first week of August). I managed to rein in the urge to eat everything in sight, and the only things I added to my planned food were a few almonds (7=60 calories), and some carrots and hummus (~200 calories all together). So, not great but it could certainly be worse, and at least I rode it out and didn't just pig out. I rounded out the day somewhere around 1825, with a fat content of over 30% (yow).

My belly is so bloaty right now, from PMS and also from the absurdly large amount of fiber I consumed at dinner tonight (roasted cauliflower, vegan loaf, edamame). It's astounding how much of those things you can eat for so few calories, and that is because of the marvels of fiber. Yay fiber. Just gotta keep pounding down that water or else I'll be in trouble later on. Good day for getting in a lot of water, not a good day for getting reading done or appreciating this incredible, gorgeous weather we're having this weekend. C'est la vie law school, but maybe tomorrow I'll throw caution to the wind and do some reading out in the park.

False Alarm

No date tonight, postponed to (probably) Wednesday. I kind of feel like I should be more sad, but well, I am not. I'm going to go visit a friend in Brooklyn instead, and check out his new apartment. And eat my regularly scheduled vegan meatloaf, which I'm about to go start defrosting. Yum! New meal plan for M5 and M6: vegan loaf, steamed cauliflower, edamame.

I'm a bit cranky today about dieting, etc. The gym was awful, I only ended up doing 8 minutes of LISS because the elliptical I'd signed up for was broken, as was the second one I tried. I'm going to have to experiment with different times to go there on Sundays and find the time when no one's around. I expected that since it's such a gorgeous day out, no one would be in the gym, but shockingly the place was relatively full. I did bang out a kick-ass HIIT session on the bike, but I know that's just not enough cardio. So, tomorrow I'll work on doing more, and also try to be more zen about the weightlifting, since as far as I can tell, the place is still, shall we say, woman-proofed. I'm going to leave it at that since last week I was in tears, I got so mad. If there were another gym within 10 blocks of school or home, I would deal with the massive expense and just do it, because I know it would make me a fundamentally happier person to be able to work out in a positive environment. Oh, Equinox - why do you have to be so far away and so damn expensive?! ($129/mo dues, plus I'd have to buy a $76 subway pass to actually get there. Ain't happening.)

Day 15: Date Night

I managed to maintain in Boston, though I did miss one workout, my lower body lifting on Friday. I walked/jogged 4 miles with my dad on Saturday though, and I'm not going to sweat the lifting workout. What isn't great is that the reason I missed it was because I was up late and drinking way too much Thursday night, so when the alarm went off at 6 am I said "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

I'm kind of frustrated at how hard it is to keep this going right now. The hardest part has to do with drinking. It's hard for me not to do it, and when I do it I want to go out and hit the town hard. It's a problem - when I drink I want to drink a lot. If I don't do it, I don't miss it (I miss the social aspect, but not the feeling). But at least I've gotten over the drunk munchies problem. That hasn't been an issue in a long time, and I have it firmly lodged in my head that there can be no eating off plan, I just can't get myself to buy into the idea that there can be no drinking off plan. There's the extra calories in the alcohol (4 beers, a shot and a vodka soda last night = a hell of a lot of calories I didn't need), and then I don't get up at the right time and the next day I feel all off track.

So, be that as it may, the new obstacle for today is that I am going on a date, with a guy who I met last night, a friend-of-friend-of-friend situation. In the last few weeks I've been feeling pretty awesome about being single, which of course is the time when people converge on you and want to tie you down, eh? I hope that I don't become the latest in a series of girls who makes this guy's life difficult, since he kind of seems like the type, but maybe we can date and have a good time together while I also feel free to pursue other things. Anyway, he is super sweet and we'll see where it goes, and we're going to my favorite little vegan place in the city, and I will just do my best not to order the deep fried "soy sensation," which is a frequent choice there for me. I will order something relatively light, I won't eat it the whole thing. I am not going to stress out about this. Weekends are tough and I'm going to have to just push through them and maintain total control during the week when it's not hard.

Aside from that, on the docket today are a HIIT workout, a bit of lower impact cardio, hopefully a trip to Trader Joe (might have to wait til tomorrow) and homework! I can't believe it's homework time already. Actually, I can, because I have read all of 4 pages and now I'm posting on here, so that's pretty typical. I still need to buy most of my books, which I really hope are at the bookstore today since otherwise Tuesday could be a rough day.

Meals today:
M1: kashi cereal, blueberries
M2: hummus & tomato sandwich, carrot sticks
M3: almonds, pear
M4: protein shake
M5: ?? something very light and high-fiber at home
M6: ?? at restaurant

Temptation Island

So tempted to cheat. For the first time really. I don't know if it starts with the interview lunch where you're just not able to order the massive healthy green salad you're envisioning, or if it's the allure of all the restaurants around where you can go out and charge dinner to the firm. Maybe just being in a different place where there's no fridge full of tasty local delicious veggies to steam up for dinner. I am working on getting myself out of the hotel to the supermarket so I can get the soy milk and pears that I need, and then pop by Au Bon Pain to get my planned salad wrap - of which I'm theoretically only having half, but I'm feeling weak and unsure about whether I can handle that. I'm considering alternatives, and maybe I'll just get a salad at the supermarket, if they've got that. Or maybe I'll have the salad wrap as 2 meals and skip the protein shake. Tough choices. I hate protein shakes, at least these chalky "chocolate" ones I have, but they are a road option that gives me a huge boost of low-fat protein. Unfortunately, no place around downtown seems to serve steamed tempeh (an at-home staple).

Interviews went fine, blah blah. I am so ready for this process to be over. And lunch today was annoying because there wasn't a vegetarian entree salad option so I had a sandwich. Thankfully it was a wee sandwich, but on black olive bread, which I liked more than I expected but probably had way more fat than I need, especially on a high-fat day such as today. I am cranky and a half right now! And want to eat because of it! Ugh! Maybe that walk will do me well, along with some much-needed hydration.

Day 12: Beantown

I was pleasantly surprised this morning to find that the "health club" at my hotel is actually pretty decent, and that it was in use by quite a few people at 6:30 am. I was able to get in and get on a bike for HIIT, which was pretty great and intense. Then I hopped on a precor for 30 mins of low/med sustained state, which like usual was kind of tedious and I didn't feel like doing it, but I had my headphones and tv news without sound, and it's not like I had anything else going on. We'll see how the weight training goes tomorrow, but they had a fair amount of equipment so I think I can deal with it.

My goal for this trip is to come back weighing the same as when I left or less, and without any big regrets. I can already see and feel a bit of a change in my thighs, which are the first place I put weight back on and my general most hated body part. (I almost always wear skirts so that I don't have to see the actual outlines of my thighs.) So, I've got my food that I brought with me, though I forgot the soy milk so I have to pick some up this afternoon to make the soy protein shakes I brought. Also, as long as I'm making a supermarket run I'll probably pick up some fruit for M2, which at this point is just going to be almonds for the next couple days. And I will hopefully have a salad or something equally light at interview lunches today and tomorrow.

Free day is going to be interesting. It is optional of course, and I'm going to try not to indulge, but maybe I will angle for a birthday lunch and have that be my free meal. Next weekend is my birthday so temptation will be out of control, and my free day is going to be switched to Friday, with no holds barred: tasty birthday dinner, followed by lots of drinks, vegan birthday cake,
and you know there's a chance I'll end up at my favorite late-night munchie spot. My sister has been informed that all the rest of the time I'm sticking to the diet, and she's very fitness-conscious as well, so probably she'll support me on it and if not she knows she has to deal with her own food.

OK, time to hop in the shower and get ready for a very tiring day of interviewing, oy! I stayed up late reading abovethelaw.com, which is probably bad since all it has is bad news about everyplace and now I feel like there's no place for me to work. But I looooved the place I interviewed at yesterday, so there is a chance for me, I think.

Day 11: ANGRY!!!

MAN. So last night, late in the night, they replaced a lot of equipment in the gym, as in all of the weightlifting stuff. Awesome right? NO! They have made this place almost entirely woman-proof. They got rid of the 3s, 8s and 12s, and got all these new weight stack machines that can't be used with the supplementary plates that increase the weight more gradually. AAAUGGGGHHHH. I was so mad. I went in to do my upper body workout this morning, and almost turned around and went home. But I didn't want to go home! I wanted to work out hard, and instead I ended up spending a lot of time moping and the rest of the time banging out half-hearted sets with the wrong weight just so I could check this day off. I was in tears by the end. Don't mess with my routine, people!

So, I went through a series of plans in my head to deal with this. And in the end of course I took the most logical and grownup course, because I am a responsible old lady. I went to the facilities manager and told him that it appeared he had removed most of the stuff that I (and other women) like to use, and that it was hard for me to do my workout now. It's kind of hard to explain when I don't know the technical terms for things, but I was like "And the machines, they have plastic, and you can't put on a plate." I was able to make him understand, and he said that they're still settling in and things would be improving. So I said "Well, just remember to think of the women." I'm such an awesome crusader for good. Actually, I just happen to have gone to a women's college, so my first experiences with lifting weights were in a weight room specifically designed for women. I was told that this was an amazing and rare thing, but I didn't realize how true that was until I got here. Even my wonderful little Bally's in Boystown, Chicago had pretty decent stuff for women.

Anyway, upper body workout is checked off and I'm letting go of my anger, trying to have some faith that when I get back in the gym on Saturday or Sunday after my trip, it will be improved. And if not, then I can go through the rest of my list of solutions, most of which involve throwing a temper tantrum and asking for my money back, then joining the $130/mo posh gym down the street. Most of my solutions to life's problems seem to lead me in that direction, but I really can't. Besides it already being $130/month, and therefore cutting into my budget for entertainment and eating and rent, it's far enough away that to actually go there regularly I'd have to buy a monthly subway pass, which adds $76 to the monthly price. Ouch. For $100 I'd just live there and stop going out to anyplace else, but $200/month sadly isn't worth it at this point, despite the awesomeness of the locker room and sauna and everything else. One day I'll have to blog about my AMAZING experience at the posh gym. School is giving out free week passes and I'm going to see if they'll let me in even though I did that last year. So fantastic.

Off to Boston tonight! No entries until probably Saturday.

UGH

Today was hard. All the challenges, they were there. In fact, they're still kind of there since I'm tempted to go out to the gay bar with some kids from school but I think I may have to be responsible and just go to bed. After watching several episodes of Boston Legal, of course. Probably I should save them for my train trip tomorrow, but I have lots of boring homework to do on the train, so that's ok.

I SPRANG out of bed this morning, without hitting snooze because I know I would've slept until noon if I hit snooze. So I got up, got dressed, weighed in (ugh!) and shlepped over to the gym, all the while feeling very sorry for myself. Especially because the weight loss is so slow. But you know, I'm going to give it at least another week before I start tweaking, aside from my bump up in the cardio department. So I went to the gym, busted out some HIIT, which was also a bit disappointing because try as I might, I couldn't get my heart rate up for the first several minutes. I think my leg muscles are just getting too tired - I lifted heavy yesterday and I'm sore, so I couldn't move my legs fast enough to get the blood pumping, until I'd been at it for like 10 minutes. So, that was lame, but in the end I did get very sweaty and the last 10 minutes were grueling. And then I did 25 mins on the elliptical and went home. The Mika cd is doing a lot for my mood, but the honeymoon phase seems to be coming to a close, and now it's just hard work.

And temptation. So, lunch was a bit difficult because I didn't know where we'd be going and somehow they didn't get the memo about me being a vegetarian, so we ended up at an Italian place where of course the only vegan thing on the menu was spaghetti marinara. Which was delicious, and fortunately it's a fancy Midtown Italian place so the portion was wee. And I ate so slowly and carefully so I wouldn't get it on my shirt, that by the time I got 3/4 of the way through it I was stuffed. I also had a little bitter greens salad that was gloriously lightly dressed. So, not that much damage, although pasta is so off limits and wasn't even that exciting. And then I went out to dinner (oy) with some chicks from my alma mater who now go to my law school, where I ordered a great big salad that had avocado but dressing was on the side and totally unnecessary due to the rich avocado that I mashed into everything. So, I don't know exactly what the damage was on that, but it was a very hearty salad and I ate a lot of it. And had a glass of wine. So, what I'm saying is, I went off plan in a kind of planned way, but it didn't feel good. I'm happy that tomorrow I have more control, but I'm also doing pretty ok at not freaking out about what's in my stomach.

The damage (today's stats):

workout: 20 mins HIIT on bike, 25 mins LISS on elliptical
M1: kashi cereal, blueberries, coffee
M2: almonds
M3: green salad, wee spaghetti marinara, more coffee
M4: pear (not so much a meal as the other half of M2)
M5: great big green salad with avocado, black beans, mango, chickpeas, glass of white wine
M6: grilled tempeh, slice of sprouted bread, teriyaki sauce

approximate, overly optimistic sum-up: ~1600 calories, 14% protein (too low!), 56% carbs, 30% fat (too high!)

Tomorrow's going to be a crazy day - upper body workout, another job interview with lunch, errands, packing, train to Boston, check into fancy hotel, get ready for onslaught of more interviews. I'm so glad I'm planning out my meals ahead of time, to the extent that's possible. I just need to get through the next few days and then next week will be more predictable. I'm on a roll, lack of weightloss notwithstanding, and I'm not letting it get away from me. I feel awesome. And fat. But the muscles underneath the fat are totally increasing in awesomeness, so one day soon progress may actually be visible to the human eye. A girl can hope, anyway!

3 posts in one day - yow!

Just a quick note to say OH MY GOD I AM SO HUNGRY!

I've been sooooo hungry all damn day, even half an hour after I eat a big, fiber-rific meal. I've got one coming up in a pretty short while, but man oh man. It's funny because I'm still not really tempted to cheat, I just feel uncomfortable and impatient for it to be mealtime. Planning meals is such a revelation. I've tried to do it in the past but the mistake I make is buying stuff that's not in the plan and then not buying everything that is in the plan, then just trying to fudge it. That doesn't work. Anyway, in a few minutes I'll start cooking up my tasty dinner of sweet potatoes, cauliflower and tempeh. I'm having that for meal 5 and then again in a few hours for meal 6. Yay!

Day 9

Kickass lower body workout, check.
25 mins on elliptical, low impact, rudely interrupted halfway thru by some girl who unplugged all the ellipticals, check.

Today I planned to "practice" getting up early and going to the gym, since the next 2 days I have job interviews in the morning and other crap to do all day so I'm planning on hitting the gym early. Needless to say, I failed at getting up and going at 6:30. I got up, but then I laid in bed and listened to NPR (aka my alarm) and had dreams about the news and got out of bed at 8:30, with great difficulty. I finally made it to the gym around 10:30, and the freshmen are still arriving, in bigger numbers today. They were even in the gym, walking around with nametags on and parents in tow, gawking at those of us who went there to work out. I couldn't help but laugh - I can't believe that it's been so long since that was me. I was such a clueless, scared kid, and I had it easy settling into a small liberal arts school in the suburbs. It wasn't far from home, literally or figuratively.

Anyway, the workout was good. I had a bad attitude about doing cardio, but 25 minutes is an amount of time I can last with a bad attitude. In my gym-going glory days I used to bust out 45 minutes on the stepmill (aka Satan Machine), then hop on the elliptical for another 25-30 minutes. And I'd crawl home afterwards and have to eat as fast as possible so I wouldn't die. In retrospect, might've been a good idea to bring a granola bar or gatorade so I could get something in my stomach less than an hour after that marathon.

Off Track?

I squeezed in a long walk last night, which had my old bones pretty tired by the end - a good sign, I think. And then I came home with my friend, and proceeded to drink a lot of wine. I replaced Meal 6 with 2.5 glasses of wine and a bit of popcorn. The calories balance out, more or less, but I felt bad about it... It doesn't help that the scale hasn't yet gotten back to the awe-inspiring point it was at on Thursday last week. I have to kind of accept that that low was just a fluctuation and stop freaking out about it. This process is kind of nerve-wracking, especially because I'm working hard at building muscle, so the weight loss might be slow because of that. I haven't been taking my body fat measurement every day, but I'll have to keep track of that and hopefully see some movement.

Plan for today - LBWO, 25-30 mins on elliptical, eating clean and no drinking and early to bed!

Day 8: Pow!

20 mins hi-intensity intervals on the bike, 25 mins med-intensity on the elliptical

Very sweaty, very satisfying - I love that most of the kids aren't back to school yet so the gym is deserted all the time. Not going to be that way for long, I suspect.

And I am so hungry right now that I'm going to eat my own hand, but I'm going to stick it out and wait until 2:30 since that's when I told myself I'd be having my next meal, and I even kind of cheated by not having the last one until 1 instead of 12:30. So, yes, I can wait 90 minutes in between eating, even if I am hungry and there's delicious stuff in the fridge. The delicious stuff is all ON PLAN stuff that has to last a while, so I'm keeping my face out of it.

I have pretty much mapped out meals and activities for the week, including my ultra-masochistic FIVE job interviews that I have scheduled on Tuesday thru Friday. I'm going to do my best not to get freaked out when things get a little off track, but generally I built myself a pretty flexible schedule. I'm bringing almonds, pears, clif bars and vegan protein shakes so I'll be able to fill in the blanks with those, and my hotel has an Au Bon Pain in it so I'll be able to get those tasty and reasonably healthy (if you skip the cheese and eat half) Mediterranean wraps that I used to have for lunch a lot. I'm such a cheap date for all these law firms. I'm only going from NYC to Boston, much cheaper than if I were a west coast kid, I got an awesome bargain on my hotel, and I've planned out dinners for myself that run about $6. If I weren't dieting during this process I'm sure I'd gain 15 pounds. So, sticking to the plan, as much as possible, and definitely hitting the pathetic hotel fitness room daily. Or, if it's really bad, doing cardio intervals running past the posh people down Newbury Street. Now that's living!

Wah

My weight bounced back up and is now giving me a reading 3 lb heavier than what it said a few days ago. I'm chalking it up to salty stuff yesterday, but this week I'm going to do my best to kick up the cardio. The BFL intervals stuff is mainly designed for guys who don't need a lot of cardio to burn off fat - successful ladies seem to be the ones who do a bit extra. So I'm going to add a stint on the elliptical to my bike intervals today and do that whenever I'm able to spare the time.

I just booked my hotel for my Boston interview trip next week, and although I suspect the "fitness facility" is probably a couple of dumbbells and a treadmill, I'll be on it. It's a very old hotel with a posh sounding name, but apparently the rooms are very tiny. Still, how fabulous! This is my first time staying in a hotel by myself, and the posh name definitely counts.

About Me

I'm feeling as though the time is right for the obligatory bit of autobiographical information, just in case I manage to integrate myself into the blogging community, and also for posterity.

As the sidebar helpfully points out, my name is Rosalie. I'm a law student in New York City, about to begin my second year, and I'll be 25 in just under two weeks. I moved here from Chicago, which in my opinion is the eating capital of America. Originally I'm from New England, which is a wonderful place to grow up and a likely contender for where I'll go after this.

I come from a chubby family - there are a variety of reasons why this is true, but to the credit of my parents, I will say, I grew up in a house where almost without exception, they would never, ever say anything derogatory about my weight or my completely sedentary, indoor-kid lifestyle. Although, looking back I kind of wish someone had pointed it out to me that when I was 13 and we moved to a town where I no longer walked 2 miles round trip to get to school every day, I must have gained 20-30 lb in a year. I honestly didn't notice. Maybe it was later that I gained it - I stayed more or less the same clothing size from then until college but probably the clothes got tighter, and I definitely wore my stretched-out jeans until they disintegrated because I was scared to shop for new ones. 8th to 9th grade was when I got to be around the size that I stayed until 2 years ago. That was when the weight loss light bulb went on for me. I had fallen in love, and joined a gym, and my kitchen was the site of a few roach sightings so I was hesitant to go near it. I worked out like a madwoman, and loved every second of it. I lost 30 pounds and felt amazing. Then, law school.

Actually, it started last summer when I quit the gym and took a few trips to lands where vegetables are basically unheard of (Newfoundland, Estonia). I drank a lot of beer, I didn't exercise, I ate as much cheese as my lactose-sensitive stomach could bear. But then I got to law school and it was really stressful - go figure. I had intended to spend lots of time in the gym and to pack myself healthy lunches every day. I did ok with lunches, but the gym was a no-go because I was too busy freaking out about school and the long-distance relationship and all that to do much besides read, take baths, drink wine and eat chocolate. Don't even get me started on the unhealthy coping mechanisms that got me through finals, a bad bout of depression and anxiety and a painful breakup 3 weeks before finals in the spring. So, in my first year I gained back 15 pounds. That's where I was as of last week when I kicked this challenge into gear.

I started reading fitness blogs at some point while I was working at my meaningless, boring job in Chicago, and I got hooked. There is so much information out there, and it's so easy to find! I read John Stone Forum and a couple of other sites religiously and absorbed it all. I read a few books, one of which was Body For Life, the program I'm following now. Overall, what I've learned is that ANY reasonable fitness and diet program works great if you actually follow it - it's simplistic to say that, but it's true. Discipline is the key, and without it you've got nothing. So that's what I'm focusing on. I've got a schedule every day and I refer to it all day, checking off each meal, workout, errand, etc. Can you tell I'm a virgo?

At this point in my life, I feel more powerful and in control than I ever have. I'm kicking ass in law school, I'm in the process of finding myself a really excellent job for next summer, and I'm feeling almost none of the anxiety that was paralyzing me six months ago (and without medication, though that's an option I haven't eliminated if it comes back). I'm young and single in the city, about to start a great year, and I'm working my ass off in the gym. I have the life that everyone wants, so it's time to start f'ing living it, eh?! I am very excited about what the next 11 weeks and the next many years have in store. I hope I have the same level of enthusiasm when this challenge is over - only time will tell.

Free Day

I've obviously been looking forward to this day all week, but in an apprehensive way. It's not a part of most diets, but from all the reading I've done in the last couple years I've seen that it is a part of a lot of programs that are heavy on the weightlifting stuff. Or maybe it's a part of the more strict programs, where there are forbidden foods most of the time, so you need a time when you take a break regularly. The BFL book has super strict eating rules for the weekdays, and then they tell you to go wild (but you know, not TOO wild) on the seventh day, to get it out of your system so you can get back to "clean" eating and working out the next day.

As a vegan, I've been doing some stuff that's really different from BFL eating, because they don't give you a lot of vegan options. For vegetarians, there's theoretically just a lot of cottage cheese. I count calories and eat six meals that are each around 250-300 calories each, and balance out my protein, fat and carbs so it's about 25% protein, 25% fat and 50% carbs (coming from veggies, fruit and whole grains). If I did a straightforward BFL eating program it would be closer to doing Atkins I guess, and maybe somewhat lower calorie, but I want to build a good muscle base so I don't want to go much below 1500 a day with exercise. And eating a whole lot of veggies and whole grains is part of my life plan, so that's not going to get compromised.

So far so good. My weigh in this morning was a bit higher than yesterday, but still a solid 2.5 pounds down from Sunday. And that's even with puking my guts out last Saturday so I think my initial weigh in may have been a bit low.

Anyway, free day report - I skipped my morning cereal because I'd been dreaming about foccacia and I was determined to find some. I went to the Green Market but they didn't have any! I ended up at Whole Foods and bought a hunk of (non-cheesy, yay) onion foccacia plus a jar of eggplant caviar. I had about half of it in the store, stopped when I was full, and had the rest after I went and saw a movie. I had a bit more eggplant caviar with some of my usual flourless sandwich bread after I got home, and now I've ordered some Ethiopian food for dinner. My general feeling about this was that I should not bring anything into the house that will still be here after today. So it'll be a struggle to throw away my Ethiopian leftovers after I'm done tonight, but it's better than if I went out and bought something decadent to cook and then had to look at it all week. I'll have to hammer out a plan for free day, or maybe just turn it into free meal at a restaurant, to keep it in check. I found that I also felt pretty free to spend a ton of money today, which isn't so great either. But I went by the health food store and got a bunch of the best local tofu, tempeh on sale and some quinoa and millet. I was intending to buy a bunch of new grains, but they didn't have as much variety as I'd thought.

And that's the full report. I'm exhausted from being out in the hot sun, and I think I may be really pathetic and spend yet another weekend night in. I'm a ridiculous homebody, but I have such a complex about it when I have roommates. I'm so satisfied to stay in and watch a movie on Saturday night. I was going to go see a band, but then my nap lasted way too long to get to Brooklyn in time. I miss living in Brooklyn a little, but actually it's way less than I thought. I'm really happy to be back in my own place, I'm stoked that I have a gym nearby, and I'm excited to start school again. Who would've expected it?!