Day 53: Bump, Ouch

I have fallen off the BFL wagon, and fallen really f'ing hard.

The last few days have been abysmal. I have denied myself nothing, and I've even eaten things I didn't want to eat. I haven't worked out since Sunday. I've been "sneaking food," running home to eat because I know my roommate is away. I have eaten some of his food because I know I can replace it before he gets home.

Sigh. It feels good to kind of confess it here. I used to date someone who had been overweight before and had a lot of food/body issues, and when I got really worked up about stuff I would confess it to him, or just tell him I was upset about the way I looked. I had never told anyone that stuff before, and telling him was always hard, but I knew he understood. I kind of forgot about that till just now. I also blame my body image issues in part for our breakup, because after I moved to NY for law school, I started to gain some weight and definitely lost the muscle tone I'd worked so hard for in the year before I got here. I was less comfortable having him see me, and less comfortable going out into the world because I knew my clothes didn't look as good.

I started to get close to my lowest-ever weight, in the last few weeks, and it was scary. The way I got to that weight the first time was by being in love. I mean, I also worked out a lot, but primarily it had to do with the fact that I had an awesome routine. I had my "me time" at the gym right after work, busted my butt on the stepmill and in spinning class, then got home and showered and this guy I really loved would come over and help me cook an awesomely delicious vegan meal, have a glass of wine and some deep conversation, then roll around in bed and fall asleep. And we'd get up the next morning, have breakfast, pack a healthy lunch and do it all over. There was no sneaking into the kitchen late at night, no wine and chocolate in front of the tv alone. No third helpings of dinner after I'm already stuffed. It was a revolution in my life, and it gave me hope, since previously I had worried that if I ever lived with someone I'd get stressed out about not being able to sneak food.

Pfew. So, that's some kind of heavy stuff there. I have a lot of issues about this breakup that have nothing to do, per se, with the person who is no longer in my life. I was sad about that for a while, but since we live in different cities and we had a bad reunion this summer, I'm ok with us not seeing each other for the foreseeable future. But there was a lot of comfort attached to being in a serious relationship.

And I'm stressed. A lot is going on - job search, school, travel, the usual introspective, existential crap. I'm having a tough time holding it together.

I'm giving myself a by for the days that have passed, but tonight I'm going to make a plan for how things are going to go when I get back, and I'm going to make myself a nutritious dinner of roasted pattypans, brown rice and probably some tofu that I need to use or toss before my trip.

The next 4 weeks leading up to E's wedding in California, I'm going to get more serious about taking care of myself. Going to bed earlier, prioritizing my workouts, and doing the things that make me happy - there may be a lot of bubble baths involved, after I scrub the hell out of my dingy bathroom. I am going to do what needs to be done, to make myself happy, healthy, back to feeling like I felt when I was in love (and thin) a couple years ago, but sans the boyfriend who couldn't handle what I have to offer.